By Clyde Lewis and Jim Colvill

"It's Christmas for hell sakes! You are too suspicious of the government and you lack all faith! Who the hell do you think you are Oliver Stone? You and your falsified "historical" Christmas conspiracy theories-Bah humbug! You typify all that is wrong with Christmas! Get a Clue! Does everything have to be a Conspiracy?" - One of THEM.

A Christmas census conducted by a leading toy manufacturer asked 200 adults if they encouraged a belief in Santa Claus. 85 percent of those polled said that they felt it was unhealthy to tell their children that a real Santa existed. Another 10 per cent stated that they saw no harm in encouraging a belief in Santa. The remaining 5 per cent still believed and wondered why every year they never had presents under the tree.

We dedicate this story to that 5 percent. The true believers who have the courage to admit that yes there is a Santa Claus.

Adult men and women who have rejected a belief in the great Santa Claus act very strange around the holidays. They sit alone in their homes, waiting by the phone hoping that an old boy friend or girlfriend will call saying they want to get back together. It is always convenient because you always end up getting presents.

The merriment continues as the woman shops for her man and the man writes cornball poetry that he can recite as the candle light dances over the Christmas dinner. Both of them brave the cold to select a tree and decorate it with some old baubles and bangles lying around from Christmas past. With a spark the tree is lit and the magic begins.

The man and the woman look into each other's eyes and before they can embrace and kiss under the mistletoe. Something goes horribly wrong. The old Christmas lights turned out to be attached to wires that were invented before Underwriters Laboratories existed. The frayed copper strands ignite the tree and set the living room on fire. It is unfortunate that the man and his lovely date are forced to stand outside as their romantic Christmas goes up in flames.

What went wrong? How could something so beautiful become so horrific, so awful?

It's simple. If you don't believe in Santa Claus then you are a prime target for the evil mischief of the Anti Claus. It was Sir Francis Bacon who while drunk on eggnog said "Christmas Superstitions like Reindeer, fly at twilight" and most certainly the fear of the Anti Claus is always brought up over wassail and pretzels at the church social after the preacher gives his Christmas sermon. We all know that the apocryphal book of Judas warns that in the last hour of the darkest Christmas eve comes the AntiClaus:

"It is Christmas evil dear children, this is the last hour; he commeth down the lane as you have heard, The Anticlaus is coming, even now many Anticlauses have appeared in the village. When the dog bites, when the be stings, this is how we know it is the last hour." - Judas 12:25

Even the great Nostradamus was ever mindful of the last hour of Christmas Evil and the arrival of The AntiClaus when he writes in Century 8 Quatrain 10 I-19 O-65:

"Dans la saison de la lumière et de 12 jours; Les stands d'arbre
défraîchis dans des mains d'ennui de Mortis au monde en vent
polaire le trompeur apporte ses cadeaux."

"In the season of light and 12 days;
The Tree stands withered in hands of Mortis
Woe to the world in Polar wind
The deceiver brings forth his gifts.
" -- Nostradamas quote from "Mal de Noël le diable et le Santa 1522"

And furthermore he was aware of the evil when he wrote:

"Je suis une guitare, une tasse de café, un serpent, une poche
complètement de noms et des visages. Je me vois dans le
désert comme serpent à sonnettes, comme oiseau, en tant
que n'importe quoi. Vous des types êtes jeu-play-acting coincé
comme humains. Je n'ai pas besoin d'être humain."

"I'm a guitar, a cup of coffee, a snake, a pocket full of
names and faces. I see myself in the desert as a rattlesnake, as a bird,
as anything. You guys are stuck play-acting as humans. I don't need to
be human."
-Nostradamus quote from "Mal de Noël le diable et le Charles Manson 1969"

The Anti Claus has been the great conspirator from the beginning of time. He has single handedly muscled his way back into our lives deceiving us and leading us into disbelieving the existence of Santa Claus. Professor Steven Wenseslous author of the book "Santa Claus, Satan Claus: The Sleigher of souls" believes that the American obsession with biblical mythology confuses the true identity of the Anti Claus:

"Americans seem to have an obsession with Santa Claus and use Biblical metaphors to write silly satire that only diminishes the very grim reality of the Anti Claus. There has been a long list of candidates that have been nominated by theologians and so called prophets. I could list them all but Christmas is coming so I will give you a basic rundown of just who the Anti Claus is."

We couldn't wait for his explanation so we just bought the book, it was in the bargain bin on aisle 3 hidden between the Sandwich meats and Sanitary napkins.

The book is available in paper back for $6.66 and to save you the embarrassment of purchasing it, we have copied only the good stuff and are using it without permission:

ANTI CLAUS-"Nick the Red" -- or "Little Nick" also known as "Sinter Klaus" with the emphasis on the word SIN. SATAN is an anagram for SANTA however it should not be identified with the Anti Claus. It is literally two different people.

The Story of the Anti Claus began some two thousand years ago. It was in that time that Gnomes ruled the northern outlands. The throne of the Gnome King was always being challenged. From the chaos of the elf wars, the Gnome Empire would bounce back even stronger to embrace the beliefs of all cultures, and hopefully bring a sense of unity through the exchange of gifts and the deliverance of toys to young children.

Little is known about the fall of the once powerful Gnome Empire but there have been myths that have spun from its most mighty and noble reign. The true story is frozen somewhere in the North Pole. Philosophers and Christmas historians know that after the overthrow of the Gnome King and his eventual assassination an evil ruler named Nick the Red held the riotous elves in perpetual slavery.

He forced them into making cookies and shoes and many became used to the work. Some were happy with their new lifestyle and realized that it was better to be paid well in a job that they hated than to be poor and be in a job that they loved.

Nick the Red began his campaign of terror by creating Christmas bigotry. He did not embrace other cultures and beliefs and set out to create a crusade against the Hanukkah celebrations by causing a division amongst the republic of elves. He staged the burning of the Gingerbread Lodge. Red claimed that a menorah was found hidden in the rubble of Sugar plumbs and frosting.

The elves were frightened and demanded that a suspect be found. It was Nick the Red who pointed out that the Gnome King's friend and confidant Frosty the Snowman was indeed the "evil doer" behind the attack and produced evidence that included a corn cob pipe and a magic hat.

This eventually led to the execution of Frosty the Snowman who had been framed for the crime. Laws were then made forcing Atheists and those of Jewish heritage to suffer through the onslaught of bad Christmas specials, Music, and ad laden publications promoting Christmas and ignoring the festival of lights.

The spirit of the Gnome King and his ability to unite the people secretly prevailed. The elves and gnomes were very aware of the attempted coup in their government and the workers were planning to either strike or come up with a better plan.

It is said that the other elves formed a union and found a ruler of their own named Santa Claus and planned a revolt against the tyranny of Old Nick. Armed with snowballs and Tannin bombs the gnomes attacked the fortress of Nick the Red. He was captured and after his war tribunal was banished to the South Pole.

Many demanded his execution, but it was Santa who said that he wished for peace on earth and he believed that it would be best that Nick spend his life alone in the treacherous wastes at the bottom of the earth. Nick convinced one third of the elf population to go with him and Santa hesitantly allowed it.

Santa wasn't about to hold his fellow elves captive. He was of the opinion that if they wanted to go into hell, that would be their reward. So Nick the Red was given four reindeer and was told to pack his sleigh and was escorted to the South Pole.

There he would lay in wait for a time when he could mount a counter attack against Santa and his elves. Nick became known as Sinter Claus with the emphasis on SIN. After hundreds of years there were rumors that Sinter Claus had died and his Anti Claus philosophies died with him.

That all changed in 1932 when Edgar Cayce the famous "Sleeping Prophet" was overcome by a powerful force. He began speaking in tongues and his voice became coarse and belligerent. People thought he was channeling Nick the Red. The words were recorded on paper and somehow became stained with coffee when Cayce accidentally spilled a hot cup in his crotch.

The words he screamed out as the hot brew scorched his testicles indicated that indeed a compound had been established in the harsh Antarctic and that the Anti-Claus was about to spread his anti-Christmas message to the world.

The press dismissed his revelation because he was under duress and claimed that the pain may have caused temporary insanity.

There were others who claimed that the press was dismissing the truth. It was then, that an anonymous member of the Madame Blavatsky's Theosophy society made a contribution of $25 dollars to pay Cayce's medical bills.

When Cayce recovered and was asked about the Anti Claus compound at the South Pole, Cayce claimed that he was speaking about the "Atlantis Cause" and not the Anti Claus.

In the 1933 an air cargo transport plane was flying near Punta Arenas. It was heading for Antarctica on a rag tag expedition to prove that there was no Nick the Red and to silence the prophets of doom who continued their never ending predictions of the Anti Claus returning to the North Pole to do battle with the real Santa.

When the crew of the Polar expedition came within 250 kilometers of the region where it was believed Nick made his camp, an antenna was seen and it was sending out ELF frequency. The ELF antenna was believed to be sending a gigantic stationary wave around the earth. However it is unknown to this day how the crew knew this because there were no elves on board.

The plane landed in a horrible blizzard near what appeared to be a compound complete with shoe repair shop, bakery, housing quarters, and racquetball court. It was most definitely a place where an embittered, bearded Gnome could make a home.

But Nick was nowhere to be found. The crew found a note tacked on the corkboard next to the chores list. Nick had fled to Tierra Del Fuego. The crew immediately boarded their plane and set a course for Argentina. However they never reached their destination. The plane's crew radioed in and claimed that they were in a fog of darkness.

If a fourth dimension existed, then the Polar crew left this third dimensional existence with their knuckles white with fear. More rapid than eagles the courses they flew. Losing one engine and then losing two.

The last radioed words spoken by the pilot; Francis "Waddle Goose" de Negris indicated that the plane had been taken up into a whirlwind vortex.

After this mysterious event, legends persisted that penguins were known to have looked up into the sky on moonlit nights. The story goes that the screams of "Waddle Goose" can be heard loud, then softer, and then moaning. At times the screams are far away, then alarmingly close, then distant again.

National Geographic eventually dismissed the story when it was discovered that the penguins really didn't care.

Then came World War II.

The world was too preoccupied with Hitler to even care about the Anti Claus controversy. Santa was very popular after he signed a multi million-dollar deal with the Coca-Cola Company.

He left his workshop in the hands of Jack Frost who maintained the toy operation while Santa was away doing press conferences and interviews. He brought with him "Christmas Seals" that delighted the world as they honked horns to the tune of jingle bells.

This was an opportunity for the Anti Claus to make a move. He had heard that Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had just become a father. Rudolph junior was the spitting image of his heroic dad.

Rudolph of course was a very strange breed of reindeer, which had rhinolumens. Rudolph would use the rhinolumens to light Santa's way on foggy nights.

Rudolph junior had this ability also. Nick the Red found a way to return to the toyshop up north. He disguised himself as the real Santa Claus and began a plan for industrial sabotage. His plans were almost foiled but one of the elves read that Santa was in Washington meeting with President Roosevelt. The elf thought, "How can Santa be in two places at once?"

A secret meeting in the elf council was held and the question was brought before the board of elf land security. The Anti Claus saw that the elves were plotting and barged in on the meeting.

"Fraud!" the sprite yelled.

"Santa can't be in two places at once!"

Nick was quick on his feet and said, "Of course he..uh.. I can!"

He pointed out that there are Santa's everywhere. They are in shopping malls, on street corners-they are little helpers.

"I have lookalikes, doppelgangers, body doubles, stunt Clauses, and stand ins. Santa has gone Hollywood now. I am more popular than Jesus."

The story seemed to convince the elves. Unfortunately the statements of Nick the Red would taint the real Santa's reputation as many people to this day claim that Santa tries to replace the real meaning of Christmas.

After the meeting Nick went into the stables and took Rudolph junior.

He grabbed a knife and cut the young deer's throat. He took the carcass and burned it. He saved all the ashes then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his sleigh it was time to destroy Christmas. And he put the dead deer's antlers on the sleigh to show he meant business.

He went from town to town and gathered 13 false Santas. He took them to the South Pole and sprinkled the ashes that contained the magic rhinolumens on candy canes and forced each one of the fake Santas to suck them.

Each false Santa was brainwashed into doing the Anti Claus' bidding (this would later be called "Project Manchurian Candy Cane.")

He then took the ashes of Rudolph Junior and sprinkled them on his 4 reindeer. Nick called them the "4 reindeer of the Christmas apocalypse."

"Now "Greed!" Now "Debt!" Now "Guilt" and "Despair" it's time to kill Christmas now take to the air. Take with you the weapons, and my anointed 13-- and do evil magic, if you know what I mean.

He gave us the Christmas where we all feared the bomb. The Christmas in Korea and North Vietnam. His methods were ruthless, so callous, and quick that everyone wondered if it was done by Old Nick." -excerpt from 'Twas the Nightmare at Christmas

Well, it wasn't really Old Nick. He had his 13 henchman do his handiwork as he sat fat and happy in Tierra Del Fuego.

Conspiracy theorists were beginning to see patterns and began connecting the dots surrounding this Christmas hell. Two lawyers named Waldorf and Epstein uncovered what appeared to be a Christmas conspiracy and printed an expose in the Washington post called "Wintergate: has the Anti Claus returned?"

The front-page report started speculating that the "Manchurian Merry men " were being strategically placed all across the country. This led to the McCarthy type "red suit" scare and all employed Santa impersonators were forced into taking part in intrusive searches that violated civil liberties. This resulted in a class action Santa Suit and several employees were then granted a "no search clause" in their contracts.

In 1978 The conspiracy newsletter "Snowshovel Press" revealed that new evidence was being produced that would prove that Nick the Red was responsible for the fire at the Gingerbread lodge which eventually led to the downfall of the Gnome empire. Anti Claus Watchdog Groups revealed that the Gingerbread lodge burning is similar to the Riechstag fire of 1933. They claim that an organized cabal known as the Yule Society carried out Frosty's melting in ritual fashion. There are also rumors that in the conclave of the Yule, his corncob pipe, button nose, and two eyes made from coal are used in satanic rituals.

Skeptics claim that there is no conclusive evidence to support the story and that it is a falsehood developed by some charlatan. Those skeptics were eventually killed and their bodies were run through a wood chipper. Other skeptics claim that the murders of the previous skeptics never happened because there is no evidence of their dead bodies so they never really existed.

By 1979 Conspiracy theorist Bill Cooper claims that the Anti Claus is responsible for the Disco craze. He attempts to write the story in a book called "Behold a pale deer" but publishers reject the title and tell him that "a pale horse" has a better ring to it. Cooper then reveals that Mr. Ed really didn't talk in the 60's television show and that it was really a man on a microphone off camera doing all of the talking.

By the 1980's Old Nick poses as Santa once again and introduces home video entertainment systems. His sleigh is sighted flying over Area 51 and is almost shot down by the Airforce. He is then tracked by radar and lost at 33 degrees south longitude and 19.5 degrees south latitude. Just off the coast of Brazil. Area residents conclude that the enigmatic base in Nevada is testing UFO's and another conspiracy theory later develops about reverse engineered alien spacecraft.

The Mossad hires a group of Anti Claus bounty hunters that head for Brazil. They do not find the Anti Claus but manage to uncover the remains of Joseph Mengele. Known to everyone as the Angel of death.

In 1981, rumors spread throughout Argentina that the Anti Claus is really Peronist leader Carlos Menem who sports a mutton chop beard. Carlos is then shorn in public revealing that he is a dead ringer for Julio Iglesias. The Hunt for Nick continues and operatives end up in Port Stanley located in the Falkland Islands. They find nothing but Shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night.

It is then realized that General Leopoldo Galtieri has a secret meeting with the Anti Claus. After the meeting Argentina falls into deep economic trouble; Inflation sky-rockets to over 600%, GDP is down 11.4%, manufacturing output is down 22.9%, and real wages by 19.2%. In April of 1982 Galtieri invades the Falklands in order to bring back patriotism to a country whose economy has failed. Many nervous sheep and their "loving" masters perish.

After the attempted assassinations on Pope John Paul II and Ronald Reagan, The Anti Claus decided that it was time to pull off an assassination of his own. Even though skeptics believe otherwise, Nick the Red was obviously the mastermind behind a number of failed assassination attempts of the real Santa throughout the remainder of the 80's and 1990's.

Santa made many television appearances from Carson to Captain Kangaroo. He even wanted to pay a visit to his old friend Mr. Rogers. But Santa fell ill and couldn't make the shoot.

Anti Claus henchmen obsessed with rubbing out Santa attempted to spray the studios where Mr. Rogers Neighborhood was filmed with hallucinogens. The plan didn't work and Mr. Rogers along with Chef Brockett (dressed as Santa) spent a little more extra time in the Neighborhood of make believe that day.

Other henchman placed gunpowder in his pipe, and poison ink in the pen he used to answer mail from children. None of the attempts to kill him worked.

There was also an attempt to humiliate Santa by mixing Thallium Salts with his hair tonic in order to cause the hairs of Santa's beard to fall out.

Christmas Scholars and conspiracy theorists agreed that Santa and the spirit of Christmas was being taken over from an unseen threat. They warned that the arrival of Comet Hale Bopp, literally a giant extraterrestrial snowball, was a sign that the Anti Claus would appear and convince the entire world that anyone who believed in Santa would be destroyed.

In 1997 a religious cult known as the Branch Noelians were found boiled in their own pudding and some were found with stakes of Holly through their hearts.

FBI, DEA and ATF agents stormed the compound claiming they were serving warrants to investigate the cult's warehousing of stockings in violation of Federal Stocking control laws. In a statement made at the K-Mart Managers conference in Cleveland, Ohio Attorney General Janet Reno said:

"In spite of circumstantial evidence to the contrary, this was a result of a suicide pact among the cult. " This is an unfortunate incident, however it sends a message that the sanctity of the American holiday will prevail."

In 1998 the terror continued when Santa was the victim of a terrible accident.

The real Santa sustained a head injury at the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade yesterday in New York City when he was attacked in broad daylight by the Bullwinkle balloon. He is in critical condition but is expected to make a miraculous recovery. -New York Times

Lee Harold Bosworth, a balloon handler, is later found in a theater watching "It's a Wonderful Life" and arrested. He is murdered with an icicle on camera to the horror of onlookers by and unknown elvish assailant who is assumed to be Jack Frost. The president orders an investigation but all findings have been, to date, classified ultra-beyond-really really top secret.

Insiders then begin writing conspiracy bent diatribes saying that Bosworth was not acting alone. They claim that one man would not be able to handle the "Bullwinkle Balloon" assault by himself.

The Government then releases a 5000 page case study of the "magic moose" theory claiming that the moose traveled in an almost impossible trajectory over marching bands and cute baton twirling teams to attack the Macy's Santa in broad daylight.

They also produced a photo of Bosworth standing in his backyard holding a rope in both hands simultaneously controlling the Bullwinkle and Popeye balloons. Bosworth's Argentinian-born widow, Evita, claims to this day that the photo is a fake concocted by the government.

A home movie made by a Manhattan commuter is later found and is played on national television showing that two Balloons may have been involved. This film known as the "commuter film" shows quite clearly that the "Betty Boop" balloon intersected the "Bullwinkle Balloon" causing it to dart into a street lamp and ricochet into the "We're here, We're Queer float" causing the horrific attack on the real Santa.

The film is eventually maligned by the ACLU and gay rights activists claiming that it is a feeble attempt to pin the crime on the gay community.

A letter laced with hate speech and prejudice was printed in the New York Times.

The letter stated that:

"The attack on Santa Claus had to have been carried out by a homosexual hit squad because the only two reindeer on the float that survived were Dancer and Prancer."

The anonymous conspiracy yarn stated that there was also a hidden agenda because the cameras by all of the networks were not focused on Santa but on "Broadway Diva" Bernadette Peters performing a Steven Sondheim medley.

The letter continued to state that:

"This is evidence that the liberal media was focused on trivial "gay agendas" and not on the real news."

The controversy intensified when it was revealed that Bosworth was listening to the rock band Slayer and was also a big fan of Marilyn Manson.

Christian groups led by none other than Jerry Falwell claimed that perhaps both the pro abortion, pro gay, anti-Claus groups were responsible and that Christmas shoppers and Parade attendees deserved this horror because they have been influenced by the commercialization of the holiday.

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way - all of them who have tried to secularize America - I point the finger in their face and say "you helped this happen." - Jerry Falwell commenting on Larry King about the Santa Attack

Pat Robertson was asked for his comments and he overheard to say:

"The Christmas season has been tainted by the whole affair and anyone who even dabbles in any of the controversy should be boiled in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart."- Pat Robertson, allegedly overheard in a bathhouse

This sent a signal to true Anti Claus watchdog groups that he was somehow affiliated with Nick the Red since the Branch Noelians were found dead in the same way Robertson described.

Robertson immediately retracted his statements and then dedicated a nativity scene in front of a government facility. It was later taken down because the ACLU said that it was in direct violation of the separation of church and state clause of the constitution.

It wasn't until the Christmas of 1999 that the strange Nostradamus quatrain was sent mysteriously over the Internet with a URL leading to this website

Hmmm I wonder who sent it?

"In the season of light and 12 days"

This of course would indicate the 12 days of Christmas.

"The Tree stands withered in the hands of Mortis."

This of course clearly indicates that the tree-meaning of course Christmas tree - Duh! --This tree will be in the hands of Mortis. Mortis is the great skeleton in the black hooded bathrobe that has that huge knife on a stick. It's pretty damn spooky if you ask us.

"Woe to the world in Polar winds.
The deceiver brings forth his gifts."

For the longest time Clyde Lewis of Ground Zero thought that the deceiver was Keanu Reeves, because He was hung up on the "Woe" part. Then he realized that he was wrong. He never admitted it. Now he tells everyone that he thought that it was the Anti Claus all along.

Well once again this quote from Nostradamus was dismissed by various Nostradamus scholars as being a hoax until Christmas of the year 2000. The Anti Claus had appeared. Or so it seemed. No one saw him because he would travel at night with his 4 reindeer of the Christmas apocalypse.

Evidence had shown that strange gifts had been given to innocent people.

Reports provided by the National Anti Claus Reporting Center (NARC) stated that children the world over had received inappropriate gifts.

Peter Loveseat, head of NARC, announced his findings in an unbroadcast segment of Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell. The reason it was not broadcast is that Bell's satellite had unexpectedly shut down. Obviously someone didn't want the message to get out.

Unsuspecting listeners were forced to listen to archived predictions by alleged remote viewer Ed Dames. The predictions hadn't come true yet so no one really noticed.

Ground Zero host Clyde Lewis acquired copies of the transcripts in which Loveseat gives evidence of the Anti Claus' renewed activity:

Bell: So Peter, what makes these gifts so inappropriate?

Loveseat: Well Art, I must tell you that something of a most Machiavellian nature is happening around the world. Just yesterday NARC received a letter from a Titus Moody of Lynchburg, Kentucky. Allow me to read you an excerpt:

" When we come down the stairs on Christmas morning we were surprised to find a pipe by a window that had been jimmied open. The sheriff took it and found it contained crack cocaine. Also, there was a brand new telescope for tiny Cletus. Hell, Cletus has been blind since birth. How the hell can he use that thing? It ain't right, I tell you.... It just ain't right "

Then the satellite came back and Bell was back on the air.

Bell: Amazing.... Now a message from the C. Crane company...

Over the haunting strains from the Indian group Cous Cous, you could hear Bell cursing. Bell left his microphone open because he accidentally glued his fingers to his cat, Comet.

Sightings radio host Jeff Rense obtained a tape of the exchange between Loveseat and Bell and asked David John Oates to do a Reverse Speech analysis on the two of them. He got out his machine and his analysis was quite interesting:

Forward: "Hell, Cletus has been Blind since birth"

Reverse: "Ich bin ein Berliner"

Forward: "It ain't right I tell you.. It ain't right!"

Reverse: Number 9.. Number 9.. Number 9

In the early part of 2001, NORAD had detected activity in the skies above the United States. Hunters who were hiding in a Duck blind claimed that they had shot at a vehicle being pulled by four reindeer.

The investigation led to a Seattle gas station where the FBI seized a well-stocked freezer full of Venison. It was not determined if the meat was that of the Anti Claus' team. However a large strange looking wrinkly thing was found wrapped up like a burrito hidden in the deer meat. An FBI spokesman told the Associated Press:

"There was nothing to indicate that the venison in the freezer is connected in any way with the Anti Claus case. The FBI will keep this place under surveillance as the board of health and Hazmat teams remove a large moldy burrito from the premises." -FBI Spokesman

Meanwhile a baboon named Randolph disappeared from a Zoo in San Diego.

Betty White, well known for her stand on animal rights created the "White Christmas" fund to investigate the Baboon's disappearance. The Baboon's whereabouts became a national obsession.

In a seemingly unrelated incident a Roswell, NM couple, Betty and Barney Robles, claimed to have been abducted by small green pointed eared aliens in a white ship with antlers on the front and subjected to unwanted examinations and full body cavity searches. They claim the ship was piloted by a strange looking bearded man and pulled by four reindeer and sitting on the back of the sleigh "..a red-assed baboon".

Randolph the Red assed baboon legend became the inspiration for a song. The song was rumored to have made the censored list at all Clear Channel Radio Stations. The lyrics are to the tune of Rudolph the Red nosed reindeer:

*Please don't call him an ape or a hairy chimpanzee
He's the nation's sensation since Jean Benet Ramsey
Just look and you will find the baboon with the big red behind

Randolph the Red assed Baboon (Baboon)
Had a very shiny Bum (like a light bulb)
and if you ever saw it (saw it)
You would drop your pants and run (Like a fraidy cat)

All of the other monkeys (monkeys)
Used to laugh and call him names (like neon ass)
They never let poor Randolph (Randolph)
join in any monkey games (like monopoly)

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
The Anti Claus came to say
Randolph with your ass so bright
Won't you be my sleigh's tail light

Then how the Monkey's loved him (loved him)
And they shouted out with Glee (Whee)
Randolph the Red assed baboon (baboon)
Keep your ass downwind from me...

The song was recorded and performed on the Mick Jagger Christmas Album.. And later removed because only 900 people actually showed up to buy it.

Now don't you think that this is evidence of an Anti-Claus?

The Anti-Claus is still with us today. He is every ugly tie given to your dad. He is in every extra small pair of BVDs given to you by a senile great aunt.

He is in every K-mart where parents have let their ill-mannered brats attack the toy aisle like allies storming the Normandy coast on D-Day. His spirit is with you when you Xerox your butt at the company Christmas party after you find out that you don't get that holiday bonus. He is in the canned hams shoved down the pants of poor shoplifters. He is in that little gift that keeps on giving. You know the one you received from that crazy girlfriend? The one that can only be assuaged by massive doses of Penicillin?

He is the burned out bulb, which makes the entire string of lights dark. He is the feckless friend who professes love and stabs you in the back with a 50 cent off coupon at McDonalds.

He is the tinsel, plastic trees and fruit-cake that clog the aisles before the Halloween costumes are taken down at the Walmart. He is Neil Diamond and Barbara Striesand singing Christmas songs and he possesses the soul of the director of the Mariah Carey Christmas Special.

He is the one who gives boys and girls overseas trips for the holiday complete with cluster bombs. He is the one who gives bicycles to the quadriplegics, Walkman radios to the deaf, Chemistry sets to the Unabombers and peace on earth to no one.

He's the one who makes poorly crafted movies for holiday release and hypes them to the sky with sugary cereals and bad action figures inside of Happy Meals. He is the salmonella in warm eggnog. He is the Tofurky that gets served to you at the PETA Christmas party.

*It's Christmas at Ground Zero. We hope it was a Wonderful Laugh. As Tiny Tim said: " God Bless Us Everyone...(get your filthy paws off the drumstick)".

*Randolf the red assed baboon (c) 2001 by Clyde Lewis


Copyright 1998-2007 Ground Zero Media, Clyde Lewis, and John Hart. All Rights Reserved.