By Clyde Lewis

There has been a lot of speculation lately about a planet that is a wrecking ball planet. Its orbit is wide and far-reaching. Many claim that this planet is the home planet for all creation. On the weekends when you have your beer goggles handy cast your head skyward and perhaps you may see hiding behind the middle star in the big dipperís handle a shiny little planet. Known only as "BOB".

This article has been written under the influence of BOB and of the Church of the SubGenius. It can be used during your planning and solitude sessions and it can also be read over to induce sleep.

DO NOT READ THIS ALOUDóthey may be listening. The grinning vortex of chaos is rising out from the deep and is literally heading for your third nostril. No one is safe from its clutches unless you evacuate the planet. Your higher yeti self is calling out to you. You indeed know that the earth is ready to be shaken to itsí very core and that the normals will suffer the wrath of BOB.

Are you able to distinguish between the sound of your spoken voice and a voice that has been inserted in your brain for the pleasure of controlling your thought processes? The voices call out to you and demand that you deny the truths that come from the pipe of the most high.

A normal person has no problem knowing when he is speaking. However there are some that lip-synch their intelligence and there are some WOMEN who even lip synch their orgasms.

BOB warns of such manipulation. He commands that you repent, quit your job, and slack off. Who is BOB? WHY ARE YOU READING THIS? Are you nuts?

J.R. Bob Dobbs or BOB is the greatest salesman to ever walk the earth. He is the short duration personal savior of all SubGenii and will sell the souls of non-believers to the aliens. I know this is all confusing and it is supposed to be.

But all things can be revealed to you for 30 dollars. With this money you will receive salvation or triple your money back. The salvation you receive will be your eternal life on the pleasure saucers living like the God you always wanted to be.

Are you prepared to meet the malevolent aliens that are to descend to earth to eat all non-believers of the word of BOB? If you are faithful you could become the masters of a remade solar system with BOB as the center of the universe.

To even think of such false doctrine is anathema. However there is a method to my madness.

There has been a new development as of late and no one knows if this is false doctrine or a newly developed punch line.

In the Movie Titan A.E. the earth is destroyed and humans become a rarity. They must adjust to a new life of living with aliens and developing a taste for their food, which resembles mealworms and gopher snot. The movie itself is a feast for the eyes and could also be a revelation of sorts for the SubGenii when the movie draws to itís close. Not to give away the punchline but it seems that eventually all things created, all things thought, or perceived will eventually go back to where it all began, planet BOB.

As far as we can see there is no doctrine that discusses this planet. The planet could very well be the wrecking ball planet that will come into orbit and destroy a sinful earth. AN EARTH DEVOID OF SLACK!

There have been many attempts by Hollywood to insert SubGenius ideas into the human mind. It is a curious assumption that we are being conditioned to believe in BOB even when our brains have been placed in mason jars and poured down the drain.

Movies like "Mars Attacks" give us the image of BOB with Pierce Brosnan smoking frop from a pipe. We also saw the enactment of X-day in movies like "Independence Day" and now the new punchline doctrine inserted blatantly in the movie "Titan A.E."

Do you think this sounds crazy? Well it is crazy. The kind of crazy that gets you thrown in a wood chipper for declaring that you believe in BOB.

BOB doesnít want your mind, he would prefer you donít have one. That is the beauty of BOB. BOB IS NOT A FAN CLUBóHe needs no fan cabana boys to pleasure him. Most people have a hard time understanding the word Subgenius.

That is not important to your salvation. Money however is important. There is no shame in admitting that money fuels the faith. Faith without cash is dead.

BOB is the short-term savior that will give you triple your money back guaranteed. If you end up in damnation BOB will be there with 90 dollars, which is a pretty good deal in the long run. Those will be your bonus chips, your lucky bucks in the neon blazed casino waiting for you in hell. Sounds like a divine plan, does it not?

BOB knows that conspiracy exists. He knows that authority can get out of hand and destroy the very tenants of the true faith. That is why the sacred rule of "KILL BOB" exists. It is the guarantee that there is no substitute for SLACK! There is also the "KILL ME" doctrine, which guarantees that you can be cool for an eternity.

There are still those who demand proof that BOB exists. This insults BOB. The church calls them "Gimmebobs" and the true Subgenius has no time for them because none of them will donate the cash needed to sustain the church on earth.

Think about this:

  • BOB is the one true word.

  • BOB is the teaching for those who cannot be taught.

  • BOB is the punchline for the one eternal joke.

  • BOB is the rock

  • BOB is the roll

  • BOB is the secret toy surprise in your bowl of Captain Crunch.
Now do you see how BOB seems to be everywhere and yet he is nowhere? That is the beauty of BOB.

You see him in the phone book:

Bobís Campers

Bobís Floral

Bobís Automotive

Bobís Doors

Bobís Bar and Grill.

Itís simple and complicated. It is the ultimate rush, the ultimate path to abundance. HOW CAN YOU AFFORD NOT TO APPRECIATE THE ABUNDANCE OF BOB?

Roll your eyes. Okay. Laugh if you will. We all know what that leads to. You can be a skeptic all you want. BOB understands. He knows that itís no big deal if you are food for the aliens. After all it is BOB that steers the car when those who claim to be driving are asleep at the wheel.

BOB knows that God is an alien and is a threat to the planet. His wrath can be felt at all times. SLACK is the eternal TRUTH and without BOB there is no SLACK. The object is to create the ultimate industrial strength church that will go out and preach from the Four Corners of the earth knowing full well that the earth is round. That takes balls. BOB is abundant in Balls.

Now you may be asking yourself WHERE DO I FIT IN THE REALM THAT IS BOB?

Well it is simple really. All you need to do is say BOB over and over as your clear phrase. The phrase will lead to uncontrollable thinking controlled only by J.R. Bob Dobbs. In this state of mind you can contemplate the secrets of your existence. You will learn to act on instinct, you will put your mind on autopilot and GIVE UP for BOB. You will find that it is a beautiful world where everyone is wealthy and that no work is needed. You will learn to do nothing effectively.

People will claim that SLACK is merely not caring, but that is wrong. It is freely not caring. It is something that a lot of the world does without knowing of BOB. This of course is a sin. One must know BOB and look to the future with confidence.

With BOB you will learn the powers of the undermind. You learn that you know what you really think. You can learn to give the vein laden shaft to the poop chute of the conspiracy! Its that easy. Unthinking is thinking. It is the path of least resistance.

This means that when a Subgenius speaks he is more or less telling the truth.

That is why prophecy given by BOB can be contradictory. Dates are often jumbled in a hodge podge that is divine. It was July 5th 1998 that world was suppose to end however a mistake was made in the calculation of Armageddon and it was revealed to the world that 1998 was misinterpreted and inverted. The true X-day will arrive on July 5th 8661. In the meantime X-day drills will be celebrated by true SubGenii every July.

Just because there is a flaw in the secrets does not diminish the divinity. So Says BOB. Why pay attention to details when we live in an all Pink society that is without shame? Play your records backwards and hear the words rise up form the devils sanctuary. It all fits link by link cog by cog as the conspiracy paves their roads over the bones and flesh of the unconverted.

Take pleasure in speaking cryptically. Learn to speak in broken thought and in reverse gibberish. It all makes sense to those who have opened their hearts and have bent over to hear the words of BOB.

Why be wrong some of the time when you can be wrong all of the time? You see the beauty in SLACK? It is your GOD given excuse.

When X-day comes will you be ready? Will you have the nerve to be wheeling and dealing for BOB? Will you shove the truth of BOB down the throats of the non-believers? Would you be willing to call every damn person in the phonebook and talk to them about BOB? Would you shave your head and spay and neuter for BOB? ARE YOU AS FRIGHTENED AS I AM ABOUT BOB?

The world wonít last much longer. Are you sane enough to laugh and say "Oh well?"

BOB lets us all in on the joke.


Copyright 1998-2007 Ground Zero Media, Clyde Lewis, and John Hart. All Rights Reserved.